The Father who Walked Away

 

Father’s Day has always been painful. My father has always been an empty memory. His absence has profoundly impacted my identity and self-esteem.

I sought my father in every relationship, searching for someone strong to rescue me, sing me lullabies, and answer simple yet important questions like, “Did you have any pets?” “What was your favorite book?” “Teach me to count.”

I remember the brief times we spent together and how you made it clear I was not important. I quickly realized you were not the man I longed for or imagined.

I was robbed of shared laughter, walks in the park, bike rides, cooking together, and learning from you. You became lost in the quiet of unanswered calls.

I had to become my own father, nurturing the child within me with the tenderness I desperately needed. I found my strength and courage, teaching myself independence and power. I learned how to live and saw that not every father walks away.

To the father who walked away, as a child, I didn’t understand why you left and blamed myself, as children often do. As an adult, I haven’t forgiven you but have come to a radical acceptance of your choices and leave you with their outcomes.

Since you are no longer on this earth, any chance of reconciliation is impossible, and perhaps that is best for both of us. I still wonder what it would have been like to have an engaged, caring, and loving father.

I know I will never know in this lifetime.

Georgia