IMMERSED IN A SEA OF COLORFUL RIBBONS AND BOWS AND CRUMPLED GIFT PAPER TORN APART CARELESSLY, I STARED IN AWE AT MY BRAND-NEW ROBOT COMMANDO, WHO COULD THROW ORANGE CANNON BALLS STORED IN HIS ARMS AND FIRE MISSILES FROM THE TOP OF HIS HEAD! MY ARMY OF LEAD AMERICAN SOLDIERS WERE NO MATCH FOR ROBOT COMMANDO! WHAT TOY COULD EXEMPLIFY PEACE ON EARTH AND GOODWILL TOWARDS MEN ANY BETTER THAN A MONSTER ROBOT WHO COULD DECIMATE ENTIRE ARMIES WITH A FEW CANNON BALLS AND MISSILES! I WAS IN ECSTASY WHILE MY FINGERS WERE STICKY FROM THE CANDY CANE I HAD BEEN CONSUMING.
THE ELVES MUST HAVE WORKED AROUND THE CLOCK TO PRODUCE ALL THE TOYS NECESSARY FOR THIS BONANZA, WHILE SANTA DELIVERED THEM IN THIS HIS 13TH LABOR OF HERCULES, TO THE HOMES OF LITTLE BOYS AND GIRLS ALL OVER THE WORLD, AND IN ONE NIGHT!
THIS WAS THE BEST CHRISTMAS MORNING EVER….
SOMEONE WAS CALLING MY NAME….
“MR. LAPLACE!”
“MR. LAPLACE!”
“COME DOWN FROM YOUR CLOUD, MR. LAPLACE!”
OH NO, IT WAS NOT CHRISTMAS MORNING. I WAS IN THIRD-GRADE HOMEROOM WITH SISTER M*** X*****!
“MR. LAPLACE, I AM SORRY TO INFORM YOU THAT WHILE YOU MAY FIND THE TIMES TABLES BORING, THERE WILL COME A TIME IN YOUR LIFE WHEN IT WILL BE NECESSARY TO KNOW THEM. PLEASE PAY ATTENTION AND SEE ME AFTER CLASS TO PICK UP A NOTE FOR YOUR PARENTS!”
OH NO, NOT ANOTHER NOTE HOME AND ANOTHER BLOT ON MY PERMANENT RECORD, NEVER TO BE EXPUNGED AND DRAGGED BEHIND ME FOR THE REST OF MY MORTAL LIFE, LIKE THE CHAINS AND LOCKBOXES OF JACOB MARLEY, ALWAYS THERE TO BE FEARED AND EXPLAINED AWAY ON JOB INTERVIEWS AND WHEN MEETING MY FUTURE IN-LAWS SOMEDAY!
THE NOTE I RECEIVED
Dear Mr. and Mrs. LaPlace,
Good afternoon, I am sorry to bring you more grave news, but your son James is persisting in drifting away with a lack of mental discipline on imaginary flights of fancy. Please try to control your son as we all know that nothing good can ever come from displays of imagination.
Sincerely yours,
Sister M*** X*****
MY SENTENCE ALSO INCLUDED A WEEK OF CLAPPING ERASERS.
JIM-JULY 26’
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