The Art of Revision - "The Chinese Ring"

  A note from the director:

October was National Revising Month.  (I'll bet you didn't know.)  Now is the time to revise our thinking, our priorities, our plans for the future.  And for us writers, it is, of course, also a clarion call to revise our writings.

The following excerpt comes from a piece submitted by Scripturient, Steven T. in response to the October 17th assignment to revisit a written piece and consider some revisions.

The Chinese Ring Before and After Paragraphs

Steven L. Thomaschek

Original Paragraph

            The Chinese ring is a yellow gold man’s ring. On the left side the initials ST are engraved diagonally downward from left to right. The initials are in a style that imitates Chinese characters. There is a diamond beneath the letter T. A mermaid faces away from and nearly encircles the initials and diamond. Her arms are outstretched with her right arm raised half way above her right shoulder and her left arm lowered half way below her left shoulder. A few strands of hair hang over her raised right bicep.

Revised Paragraph

            The Chinese ring is a yellow gold man’s ring. On the left side a downward diagonal relief with the initials ST stands out above a darkened background. The initials are in a style slightly suggestive of Chinese characters. A diamond sits in a tiny little encasement beneath the letter T. The initials and diamond are partially encircled by the sensuous slender figure of an aquatic mermaid. Her arms are outstretched as she poses with are arched back to the initials. Her right arm is raised half way above her right shoulder and her left arm is lowered half way below her left shoulder. The curved tip of her tailfin stretches beyond the stone reaching just beneath the letter S. A few strands of her free-flowing hair hang over her raised right bicep as if she has just emerged from the deep blue sea.