The Heist

Joel Smith was a derailed train that had never gotten back on track. At twenty-five, he had wandered through life a lost soul who squandered the formative years getting into trouble and avoiding proper studies, the result being that he now stood facing adulthood with little to show for his tenure. A dabbler in petty crimes, he resided outside of town in a nearby hunting area not used during the off-season, squatting in the cabins on rations left behind by hunters for the following year. At the time of this particular incident, Joel – who was slightly balding, five foot six inches in height and exhibiting a very nervous disposition – had broken into a cabin a few months before with a large supply of canned goods. This combined with the fish Joel caught and the wild plants he procured provided a sufficient diet. He was able to disappear from society for the better part of six months without newspaper, radio or any contact with the outside world. As supplies were now running low, Joel pondered a way to get some funds with which to buy some more.

It was early afternoon the day that Joel decided to undertake his plan as he started his old motorcycle for the trip to town. He traveled lightly carrying only a backpack containing a cigarette lighter in the shape of an old gun, a cloth bag and a bandanna in the pocket. It was late afternoon when Joel entered the town and as he waited at the traffic light, it seemed extremely quiet for a business day with few citizens on the street. Driving down near the bank, he parked his motorcycle, tied on the bandanna and entered the bank, pulling the cloth up over his nose. A curious bizarre sight met him as he entered the marbled lobby of the old bank. Everyone was wearing a mask, some very similar to his own. Patrons, bank tellers and security guards all sported a covering. A passing thought passed through his mind that all of these people had decided to rob the bank, which he quickly dismissed as absurd noticing that even the Girl Scout sitting at a table selling cookie boxes wore one of these masks. Joel dismissed this odd development and walked right up to the teller putting the cloth bag on the counter and pulling out the gun/cigarette lighter. He did not speak, feeling that the circumstances were self-explanatory, an idea not shared by Miss Rolunda Clogg.

 “Can I help you sir?” Miss Clogg initiated.

 “Put the money in the bag and nobody gets hurt,” exclaimed Joel in a most menacing tone that he had practiced in the mirror all morning long.

 “Where is your note? I need a note,” Miss Clogg insisted.

 “I didn’t write a note. Just put the money in the damn bag!”

 “There is no need for profanity,” Miss Clogg reprimanded him. “Now here is a paper and pen. Please jot down a note for me. Oh, and make it sinister. I need it to frame for my wall to show my grandchildren some day while reminiscing with them over the exciting times of my life. I have been waiting for you to show up for a long time.You can use the table over there and come right back to me without waiting on the line again.”

 Grumbling, Joel went over to the table, scribbled the note and returned to the teller.

“Here is your note, now give me the money,” he grumbled.

“Well I can see why you don’t have a proper job. This is illegible. Is that supposed to be an E?” inquired the teller while adjusting her facemask.

“Yes it is an E! Now give me the money or you won’t have to worry about ever having grandchildren to impress,” threatened Joel.

“Oh really! With everything going on, the pandemic and all, I do not have time for your nonsense. Now put that cigarette lighter down, you’re not fooling anyone. I have the same one at home!”       

Reaching below the counter for two aerosol cans of Lysol, Miss Clogg came up, guns blazing like Doc Holliday, shooting Joel in each eye with the disinfectant. Joel screamed. Momentarily blinded, he staggered back. Sally Ann the Girl Scout saw her opportunity and grabbing a bottle of Purell, pulled off the cap splashing the slippery liquid behind Joel’s feet. Joel lost his balance, slipped on the polished marble floor and banged his skull. Two old ladies, infuriated that their stimulus checks were delayed let loose on Joel with their canes. Beating him mercilessly, they relieved their pent up frustrations, simultaneously providing a needed public service. By this time, the security guards finishing their coffee break and ready to get back to work apprehended Joel, cuffing him and bringing the sorry bank robber out to the arriving patrol car that the bank manager had summoned.

As Joel sat hogtied in the back seat pondering the mess that his life had become, the officers filled out the necessary paperwork while arguing where to have dinner.

Sally Ann came over to the patrol car.

“Hey Mister, that was not a smart thing to do.When you get out of jail, I think you should get a job, maybe  as a bank guard since you have related experience.”

 Sally Ann was not trying to be sarcastic, only helpful .

 “I think that you are right young lady, thank you for the advice,” Joel said.

“I would be happy to help you when the time comes. I am going to be a successful businesswoman someday. Sally Ann Walsh. Remember that name.”

“Ok Sally Ann I will.”

Before returning to the bank, Sally Ann gave a box of Samoas to Joel and one to each of the officers asking them to treat him well as he was a personal friend of hers. All three men thanked her, their dispositions sweetened by the cookie boxes.

Twenty years passed and on the day Joel got out of prison, June 6,2040, he returned to the bank looking for employment. He was dressed neatly in his Prison issued suit although the years had not been kind to him. As he filled out the application, he put down Sally Ann Walsh as a reference and handed it to the interviewer.

“Do you know Sally Ann?” inquired the clerk.

“Yes we had occasion to meet in the past,” stammered Joel.

With that, the clerk made a phone call and Sally Ann walked into the room.

“Hello Joel it is good to see you again. How can I help you?” she asked, shaking his hand vigorously. Sally Ann was now thirty years old, President of the bank, with an MBA in finance and dressed in a business suit.

“Hello Sally Ann I have paid my debt to society and am looking for work,” Joel stammered.

“I’m sure that we can find something for you, come back tomorrow at 8am.

Joel thanked her. Feeling hopeful, he returned the next morning in his suit. Sally Ann lived up to her promise starting Joel in a clerical position and eventually transferring him to security guard when a position opened.After two years with a great attitude, aptitude, and  appetite for work as well as a perfect attendance record, Joel received the Employee of the Year Award. The award was presented by Sally Ann who also gave him a case of Samoas for she had become a Girl Scout Leader whose daughter BeckyAnn now sold cookies in the bank lobby during their annual fundraiser and by all indications was even more gregarious and business minded than her mother. 

Jim

Apr 2020