The Art of Revision - "Alexa Reinvented"

 A note from the director:

October is National Revising Month.  (I'll bet you didn't know.)  Now is the time to revise our thinking, our priorities, our plans for the future.  And for us writers, it is, of course, also a clarion call to revise our writings.

The following excerpt comes from a work in progress submitted by Scripturient, Ellen G.in response to the October 17th assignment to revisit a written piece and consider some revisions.

ALEXA REINVENTED

Original Paragraph:

They followed Grandfather’s instructions and one by one shuffled into the den and took a seat. They stood in this funny kind of circular ring around the posey stance. His family appeared to be a balloon of invisible air as they took their seats all squished together, not uttering a word. They moved their heads around and around looking at each other with popping eyes, trying to figure out what each other was thinking. This only made them look like a school of fish in a fish bowl engaged in a feeding frenzy. Well, Grandfather’s family finally spoke asking almost as if in one voice, “How is this possible, you know, extracting the very essence of your voice from your ashes? Sounds like utter nonsense,” they agreed amongst themselves in that same singular voice.

Revised Paragraph:

          They followed Grandfather’s instructions and one by one his four grandchildren shuffled into the den and took a seat. They sat in this funny kind of circular Ring Around the Rosie formation. His family appeared to be a round balloon of air as they took their seats all squished together, not uttering a word. They moved their heads around and around looking at each other with popping eyes, trying to figure out what each other was thinking. This only made them look like a school of fish in a fish bowl engaged in a feeding frenzy. Grandfather decided to dismiss this thought and, instead, think of them lovingly, especially since they were all he had.

          Grandfather liked to think of them from oldest to youngest.  Of course, there was Frank, the oldest, next Sally, then Joseph and, the youngest, Maureen. When Frank couldn’t stand it any longer, he whispered to his siblings, “So what do the rest of you think? Is this another one of his wacky advertising purchases?”

“I don’t know,” said Maureen, “Lord knows he already has a giant collection of purchases gone wrong from those stupid ads he finds.”

“However," Joseph chimed in, “He does have a love and excellent knowledge of science from studying it in college.”

“Oh, oh, here he comes, we’d better be quiet,” warned Sally.

Frank nodded his head in agreement, “Let’s try not to upset him, you know how he gets, especially since he believes he’s both an inventor and scientist,” he chuckled.

Ellen G.

Oct. 2020